As many of you know I started on a weight loss journey last year that was pretty successful and continuing to progress. That is until January.
Ugh, I tried to stay motivated, I tried to stay positive, I was trying to keep up with everything I had been doing previously. However the weight started to creep back on. (20 pounds!) As it did my self esteem plummeted! I felt so oppressed by self dislike and disgust at times I found it even hard to breathe. I was overwhelmed! I was depressed! I felt defeated in my soul, I literally felt abandoned. I wallard in my pit of despair! I had lost my focus on God. So overwhelmed by the feeling of defeat I had unknowingly made myself an idol of what I now label or call "my lack of self esteem" became my everything. That obviously left me unsatisfied, lethargic, I found myself pulling away from others socially. Retreating. My eyes only on myself.
So blue I recently started to just pray the name of God, I didn't even have words to utter I was so discouraged. God is so amazing! In my daily activity the other day I came across one of my old bibles. This was the one I used even before I meet my husband of 17 years. See how worn out it is.
It's even missing the cover! I started to flip through it. My eyes gazing on the promises of God. The ones he had spoken to me in the past. God used the same words to breathe new life into my soul. God is so faithful he reminded me how much he loves me!
God asked me, why are you downcast? Put my hope in him!
In Psalm 42, he reminded me in my youth I had panted after him like a deer pants for water.
(sorry this one is side ways). In psalm 51:10 he reminded me of my prayer when I came to be a committed adult following him, that I would pray "create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.". Oh, to remember the joy that God provides your soul, your heart and your mind I was overwhelmed! I felt a lightness in my spirit. Then God showed me Psalm 19:14
""May the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."
Wow! A slight breeze could have blown me over when God pointed out to me that my thoughts & speech have been filled with negative, hateful things all about myself. God loves me, I am precious to him. I need to not be consumed with negative thoughts or consumed with myself alone. I need to change my words to praises and thanksgiving to him. I need to have a servants heart again for he has blessed me and healed me of my hurts. Satan tried to distract me, tried to defeat me, but my God loves me with an unfailing love and even when I like sheep have gone astray he will seek me. God will woe me! God has reminded me that I am engraved on the palms of his hands (Isaiah 49:16)
I still want to continue to get healthy but it should not be what consumes me & the only criteria that defines me!! I am who God says I am! That will be my focus.
Thank you for letting me share this private, painful but joyful experience I have experienced.